My Hawthorn exit interview

It is not just the players who have held exit interviews ahead of the off-season.

AN EXIT INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF

Me: Michael, hi.  Come in, have a seat.

Myself: Thanks mate.

So, how do you reckon your season went?

Yeah, pretty happy with it overall.  Obviously, I didn’t get to as many contests as I would have liked, but those I did, I was reasonably pleased with how I impacted the game.

Impacted?  You mean barracked.

Yep.  ‘Too pensive’ was a knock on my performance last season, so this year I really worked on being more vocal and demonstrative. 

Yes, the double-clenched fist after a centre clearance was interesting. 

I thought I needed to add a few strings to my bow.  You’ll have noticed I also adapted my post-goal rapid thigh slap from three slaps to four (with my usual “come on!”) which seemed to work.

So, as a supporter, what do you see as your strengths?

I’d like to think it’s my ability to bring others into the game.

Like your son.

Yeah.  My daughter too, when there’s no ballet. 

Any other strengths?

Well, I pride myself on never criticising Hawthorn players. 

Not even Timmy?

Especially not Timmy.  I bloody love Timmy. And like Timmy, I’m a bit of a swingman myself.  Watching the Hawks at home, you can sit me on the couch, in the armchair, wherever I’m needed.

What do you consider your best game for the season?

Probably the Giants at the ‘G.  It was a beautiful sunny day; I had a great seat; and I was in full voice along with the other 27 supporters at the ground.  And then there was my reaction to Timmy’s mark.

It was a beauty.

Thanks, yeah, I pulled out the slow-turn-with-mouth-agape to my son.  I can’t claim it as my own – Daryl Somers invented it at the ‘83 Logies when he was ‘shocked’ to win Gold.  Anyway, it’s a set play I’ve been waiting to use on a Timmy screamer for some time.  Years, actually. 

You performed strongly when the Hawks drew with the Dees.

Oh, you’re referring to me falling to my knees, arms outstretched like Willem Dafoe at the end of Platoon when Luke Breust goaled in the final minute?  Well, your own loungeroom allows you the time and space.  It’s a lot harder to pull off a skill like that on Level 2 of the Olympic Stand, let me tell you.

And your worst game?

Look, I’m the first to admit I was pretty poor in the Saints debacle at Docklands.  I was frustrated.  I was sulky.  I let fly with some ironic applause for a late goal.  Not my proudest moment.
The Gold Coast game, too, I was below my best.  I had a virus, but I’m not making excuses Chris Scott-style.  Watching the Suns run all over us, I must have muttered “for f***’s sake” more than a dozen times.  It’s a stat I’m none too happy about, although it was a PB.

And going forward, how do you think you can improve as a Hawks supporter?

Better diction.

Ben Dixon?

No, better diction, when I’m cheering.  And look, after the last two COVID interrupted seasons, I’m keen for a positional transition.

OK.

Yeah, I reckon I’ve got my inside game sorted; now I’d really, really like to move to a more outside game.

See you in the pre-season.

Cheers. 

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Michael Ward is a television comedy writer.  He appears as the Kraken in Shaun Micallef’s Mad As Hell on the ABC.